I felt the hostility fade away and a safe environment for honest, open communication enter our relationship

I’m willing to do what needs to be done

Now that’s hard for a person who has been betrayed to hear. And a lot of times they can’t even do that because they have to sit back and lick their wounds, so if someone is really in a state or trauma, unsure of whether they want to stay or go, or if they’re in the first few months of recovery, it may not make sense.

The intent here is to move toward the unfaithful spouse lovingly and honestly and not in an attempt to change them, not to convince them to change their mind, but just out of a sense of strength to say, “I want our marriage. I’m willing to invest in this. There are things I need from you, and I invite you to the process.” And let them make that choice without feeling the pressure of it.

I can tell you from experience that Linda eventually got to the point where she was able to approach me in this fashion and it worked.

Now I realize that once an affair is discovered, both partners can become somewhat out of control and there will be an incredible amount of intense emotion going on. What’s going to happen is going to happen. But as they settle down from that and start to wonder, “What do we do now?” It can be beneficial if the betrayed spouse can try to control the way they regulate the questions.

When it’s just a constant barrage of questions and questions and questions, it tires the cheater out, it tires everybody out. Thus, it can be a helpful thing if they can come to a point when they are more intentional and specific about how much they ask and when they ask it.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking… “You’ve got to be kidding me. My spouse had an affair and now I need to be all nicey-nice when trying to get him/her to talk about it? Not a chance!” I understand that train of thought. I really do. But I can tell you that in nine out of ten instances, creating a safe environment for honest and open communication will be more effective than being combative and full of anger.

Really, if the recovery process is such that you want to be able to heal the relationship, then trying to create a safe place for the conversation to happen is going to be important

If there’s a willingness to work on the marriage, to always affirm, “Listen, I want to move toward forgiveness and I’m willing to move toward that but in order for me to understand it I need you to be invested in it and I need to understand what has gone on here. You’ve got it all figured out. You lived it. It’s a big blur to me. I need you to be willing to be honest enough and vulnerable enough to be honest with me about this. And I’m telling you, I’m willing to work through it. I can’t think of anything right now that I’m not willing to forgive but you’re going to have to just trust me whether I can or not. But in order for me to forgive it I’ve got to understand it. In order for me to trust you again, I’ve got to know that you’re willing to risk being honest with me.” And that’s a message for a lot of the betrayed spouses they’re going to have to hear a number of times before they’re willing to risk stepping toward that. But it’s important to happen.

smahasanullah

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